Dissertation Avoidance: an Ode to Soda (after Pindaric form, kinda-sorta-not-really)

O, soda you are so fizzy

you have so many flavors, like Pepsi, and 7-Up, and Coke

and if I put liquor in there, I sometimes feel dizzy.

It’s truly the fizz that I love, and your sweetness too, so I’ll buy you until I go broke.

I could drink coffee, but that has too much caffeine,

making me sweaty, shaky and wild-eyed,

which renders me unable to do any work on my dissertation.

O soda, you come in bottles and cans, but I hold cans in the highest esteem,

because those fizzies from the can have no where to hide,

and I can burp loud enough to hear across the nation.



O soda, you may be so very bad for me,

your phosphorus takes away my bones’ calcium.

So, I try to drink more 7-Up, which has fewer chemicals, you see.

But, I crave those bits of caffeine to make my days more halcyon.

Thus, I return to those wonderful colas of yore,

with their caffeine-laden bubbles sparkling on my tongue,

and the gentle effects of those chemicals make my words vomit onto the page so beautifully.

O soda, you ask, how could I love you more?

Does this ode not lend a sense of those feelings you give me, of elation?

If not, well too bad, for I’ve tried my best and you can just go screw yourself. Beautifully.

The End.


Pindaric Odes: usually 3, 10-line stanzas with rhyme scheme ababcdecde. The form of the stanzas should be strophe, antistrophe, and epode. But, that's a little TOO involved for dissertation avoidance. :)